God Whisperes In My Ear And If It Makes It To My Heart I Know Its Right.....

Ok so as I have said, I have anxiety pretty bad. I literally panic when i get into new situations. but I can sometimes handle going to a grocery store. but let me tell you, there have been days i couldnt eat simply because i couldnt go and buy something....i couldnt handle it....so it is sometimes very interfering with my life...sometimes its controllable. Going to church has not really been an option for me..the people the unknown. i dont even know what happenes in a church. im glad i decided to do this because if not, my first experience would have probably made me quit on the spot. i think thats why i made the decision to do this...Because i cant quit. God has never given up on me how unfair would it be for me to stop because things get a little hard.

So I decided to go to church... I figure i go like two mins late i leave like two mins early. its all good. well it didnt work that way for me this time....i decided to go to Well of Hope. i wonder if i should not be naming names of churches but its not too hard to figure out...and i really need to if this is going to do what i am hoping it will do for me and others....it starts at ten . i get in the parking lot at ten oh two...there are people everywhere...its disapointing...i shall not get around talking to a few people. which is good i suppose, I mean i really want to experience this...i think i would better like to wait a few visits to do so but i want to feel and see and watch God work.

(oh wow, brief brake here...my computer shut down and i thought i lost all this!! but i got something done i truly needed to so now here we go again!! im glad i dont have to start this over again!! ok back to the previous thought...)

For the past few months God has put in my heart that i needed to go to church...not so much for church, but for fellowship, friends who believe...someone to talk to about God and the bible.... but i have been fighting it because of my deep fear of people and new situations. I have prayed and been prayed over. And on the spur of the moment at five in the morning i made the final decision of yes i will go to church today because God kept telling me he will help me through it. And because he has whispered in my ear that its time to get over this once and for all...that has not made it to my heart yet but only because i keep beating it bloody to get it out of the path to my heart...I do know in order to fully experience God and His love in my life i have to give up my fears....

2 Timothy 1:7King James Version (KJV)

⁷ For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

...so ok maybe it has made it to my heart but i sure was and still am trying to kick it out....and i am also making myself stop and remember that verse....God does not put fear in us. fear is ONLY FROM EVIL!!  So now I have decided I dont want evil in my life i sure dont want it to control me! I will now make much more of an effort to get past this!

    Ok so the past few months I have been thinking of Well of Hope church and so that is where i decide to go. I get there late and people are outside talking and they all stop and look at me like "oh new fish! lets go attack!" they dont reconise me and come talk to me and hug me and touch me. and i am freaking out. they can tell because i LOOK like i am freaking out. my eyes are darting around and i am looking everywhere for someone to save me....they corrall me inside talking the whole way. i never get a word in because there are so many and when one stops the next starts...actually in retrospect its good that they did it like that...i would never have gone in otherwise...there were too many cars and i was contemplating leaving when they pounced like cats on a catnip mouse....but then when we got in the lights went off...i whispered whats going on? she said we pray like this...it wasnt totally dark but you couldnt read thats for sure....so in the dark surrounded by strangers and some scary looking men? i jet outta there like an F-15 on take off....they got a bum rap. i think my fear ran that show. i need to give them another chance. So anyway she sees me leave cause i open the door (i cant walk through walls ya know) and she follows me outside and grabs me and starts praying. She prayed for God to lead me in the direction i needed to go.  

ok so that was a scarry experience but its not even ten 15 yet so i still want to hear about God and i decide to go around the corner to another church...First Assembly of God... I thought the name was a good thing. Now let me say something real quickly. I may be wrong here and if so please let me know. I am not sure God cared HOW you worship him, just that you DO worship him. It takes all kinds of people to make this world go around...if everyone was the same it would be so totally boring...I am not passing judgment on anyone or how they choose to worship. some things just are not for me...and thats fine. and if it is for you...hey im ok with that....

Ok so I pull in and there are like ten cars...i think great! I most likely will get noticed but i shouldnt get bombarded!! They assemble for God, this shouldnt be too bad....so i go to the door and try to get in, but its locked. alarm bells are going off in my head gosh they LOCK PEOPLE IN CHURCH!! i wonder if this is normal....these are real thoughts going through my head now....i am already realing from the other church less that three mins ago....my head is still not clear from that so i am just thinking logically for me...the guy that is standing right there hurries to unlock it...hes an older gentelman who looks nice...i ask " do you lock people in?" (i find out later he hears me ask "can i come in?") he says yes sure! so i turn and RUN literaly seriously. he says " you dont want to come in" i say " no thanks i dont want to be locked in" ( he hears "no i dont want to come in") and the woman comes out and says no maam we do not lock people in he was joking...he promised the didnt lock anyone in and is horrified that i thought so...so we explaine what i said what he heard and its not funny but they are laughing and well now i am too but not then...so i ask if i am late for church. they say no sunday school is going on. what is sunday school? really i didnt know...i knew when i went as a kid i played before church service but i didnt know it was called sunday school or that i was susposed to be learning about God and not just having fun....so i am excited i ask how often they have school. is it every day? no just sundays...hence sunday school...duh...i thoght it ment school to teach about god and the bible...but i am told they have those...so they offer me coffee tea coke donuts...no thanks...(im so nervous and scared if i eat its coming right back up and they may forgive me but i would be humiliated ya know....) im thinking who comes to church to eat? but its not my business and i go find a seat and get a pamphlet....there is going to be a diffrent kind of service today. they didnt do it but it was susposed to be about ISIS and end times. Now i thought political stuff was forbiden by god to be preached aobut in churches...but he sprinkled end times in there so its not all political...but still isnt that wrong? im asking because i do not know...it may be perfectly fine....

so anyway during conversation i find out that it was a Pentecostal church, but not what i have always thought of as Pentecostal, the woman cut their hair, wore make up and did not have to ware dresses....which is great cause i do not own a dress. honestly i have never worn one..only on my first wedding day. We talk for a while and i find out they believe in speaking in tounges....that is very scarry to me...terrifying honestly. they explain it is a gift, a prayer language. i still dont get it...that is one of the thing i have decided i dont need to know right now...understanding will come eventualy but not right now....i dont have to understand everything at once....its ok to accept that you dont know. one day someone will say something or i will read something and it will click...man i love those moments!! but i dont want to force it either...anyway..ok...i think its for prayer so i wont here much of it right? WRONG!! when service starts they sing three songs and the toungs start to going all difffrent sound coming at me from every direction. i feel like i am in an audio battle with my sanity!! i want to leave so bad but i really want to hear what he has to say about ISIS and end times so i am on the last row and i stand up and wald to the back to try to distance myself from this grating sound...think fingetnails on chalk board..MISTAKE!! he notices me and pauses and askes for prayer for me says i need help..like just aobut everyone comes (the whole time they start the fourth song and while the band plays and sings it, a few of them keep singing...)they all touch me on the head the hand the arms my back and sholders...and some are praying some are yapping and howling and yodeling....speaking in toungs...all of a sudden it all stops. they all go back to their seats and they re sing the song ( they sing this song a total of five times!)

so the third time they sing it...remember some are still speaking in tongs and i still want to leave so bad its insane but i cant leave...my body wont do it.....i start laughing...quietly, to  myself...i think how totally crazy is this experience?!?! and these people think this is normal! and some of you may too....thats fine! like i said, i dont think he cares how you worship just that you do....i think how many people have gone through this and quit? i dont think i want to do this anymore. "STOP! no, Amanda, you need to write about this online. If you do you will help someone." it was clear as daylight and darkness...i heard it from outside my body and it was not my voice. not i may help someone i WILL help someone. that someone must be important...So now i have to do this blog of my journey...i HAVE to do it...please share it and keep sharing it....someone needs it and the more people that see it the more potintial people i can help...now the really scary stuff starts! the preacher stops the band...says someone just made a decision. It is the right decision...God lead you to that decision....this is what you should be doing....well now...i REALLY cant argue with that can i?? i have to do this...but i also decided this is not the right church for me...not at all...so thats good...confirmation on that too....so i am shaking because i KNOW he said that for me...the band starts again and plays that same song twice,,,,i still remember the main verse....so beautiful...You are amazing, more that amazing, forever our God. you are more that enough. you are amazing...i may be a little off on the wording but i loved it. i explain that now so you know how peaceful and filled with love i felt at that moment. then BAM!! one guy fell on the floor and had seizure like convulsions and i swear he started foaming at the mouth. i am not making this up. my brain may remember more details than were there but this happened i promise!! But that was just one guy and they said it wasnt normal...but wow....several people went to their knees. i was truly fearful....this took a very long time...like i said the song was sung five times......then they did the praying thing again with me...only not near so agressive this time...and they dismissed us. no preaching was done. no bible was read or opened...i was very disapointed i really wanted to hear what he had to say...i really wanted to be preached to yesterday...i wanted to hear gods word coming form someone elses lips...

but all in all i have to be honest...i feel better today. the praying seamed to have helped my pain...and my attitude. because if i cant laugh at all this i will give up. this was a really bad experience for me but gosh looking at it written down it is so very funny...i love it! if i have to go through this to get to God i will gladly do it....