clearing up something from the first post....

My mom is in the hospital and she will be reading this. I want to clear up something about the original post before i continue. My mom had little to do with the church incident. she has always believed and she was misguided. The bible says its the husbands right to direct the familys religious beliefs and that women are to submit to their husbands. My dad supposedly went to a chathlioc school and hated it...thats where he got his aversion to religion...he was trying to protect me from what he called make believe. he said humans were so smart they did this just to keep us in line for always...i believed that too for a long time. Mom was doing what she thought she should. and i lived with dad too...i didnt blame her, I feared my fathers wrath and i am now sure it was worse for her....I want to make sure she knows i understand and that i never blamed her...we have never really discussed it....and i dont want her to get her feathers all ruffled trying to explain what i already know. Forgiveness is a HUGE part of loving God and I hope i have done a good job at forgiving others...especially those that dont deserve it...they need it most and it has the power to make the most difference in their lives when they see how God works to change a person...and my mom is not one of those horrible moms. i love her and she was great...she did the very best she could in the situation she was in. although as children we dont understand, we remember and later we come to conclusions that are right or wrong... I  have now been in a few relationships that resembled my parents....its not fun and i understand why she made some choices that deaply affected me. i still dont like it but i cant blame her for protecting herself and she probably thought she was protecting us as well....you tell yourself so many things to excuse your spouces behavior. we enable and dont even know what that means...if things were diffrent i wouldnt be the person i am now and that would be a shame...

As i talk of the bad things in my past and present life, i want you to understand and know that i blame no one. it is what it is. its the facts and i cant change it. all i can do is react differently and let it affect me less. accept that not everyone is good and that i am where i need to be right this second. doing what i need to do. In my life i made choices. lots were bad. some downright horrible...but i made them and i live with them...or i change them...its still my choice. i can wallow in self pity or fight for my happiness...I CHOOSE TO FOLLOW THIS PATH TO GOD AND A LIFE I WANT.  even when it sounds like i am complaining, its for a reason, and maybe complaining is the reason, it will help me process and deal with it...

ok now i am going to get to my church experience yesterday....