Judging and Learning!!

One thing I have learned is that I have been "judging a book by its cover" here and it needs to stop. I caught myself thinking about church today because it is Wednesday and my mom in law didnt call, so I assume shes still sick and I will keep praying for her. But anyway, I was thinking of it and I keep saying things like not yet or when....like I expect bad things to happen. Yes, I had a really bad experience with one church from that group, but judging one church on one service is a huge stretch and judging a whole denomination on one service in one church is simply ridiculous!! I just need to relax and stop expecting negativity! I keep wanting more and more. To be around people who believe, to learn about God and Jesus and His word...

Learning for me is so different though! So many of the stories in the Bible intertwine...you really need other knowledge to get the whole picture, and when you have been raised in a church or have been going a long time, when you have read the bible several times over, you KNOW these things, it becomes second nature and you cant imagine someone NOT knowing this fact that you know like the value of a dollar...so when you hear a story, you get it. When I hear a story I am like what? why this and how that and what does this mean...and let me tell you people get sick of all the questions!! They actually get mean. Its sad really. Just say you dont know. I get it. Not everyone is a teacher! I know I am not! Dont get mad because you just know these things and not why you know them.

I understand the Bible says it, I believe it, the end. But I want to know more....I have to...I need to learn all I can. It will be very important and soon too. I dont know why or how I know that but I do...It gets so frustrating only being able to go as fast as someone wants to teach me, but everyone has a life!! That cant be put on hold, not for me! I cant learn on my own like that, I never have been able to, I need strict guidance and tutoring by someone with the patients of a saint, the knowledge of an angel, and the teaching ability from God....I need a line by line, book by book explanation...commentary. I have not been able to find anything like I need except one wonderful lady who is doing it all herself! I am so thankful, she is so perfect for teaching me! The woman has a life and is going back to school and has medical issues and family things...she preaches at two or three places I believe...So as much as she can do for me, she really does. I know she HAS to be neglecting some of her life to teach me, and I am thankful! But as I said, it is slow....God wants me with her though I know that...I feel that....But there is also more time I can dedicate to Him, so I am looking for something else...maybe another angle of learning or start in other books...

I dont know. I know the little I have tried to go beyond her has been met with frustration, on everyone's parts...I often think of giving up. I feel like God does not want me to learn about Him sometimes. He has put so many obstacles  up for me. I didnt think it would be like this, I thought all the knowledge I wanted would be at me fingertips but I cant find nothing I can learn from! Not on my own without guidance! I know what is likely going on but I hate waiting! God has better plans for me if I can just hold on for a little bit...but HOW LONG until You send me that one special teacher You want me to have??

Or there is something I need to change first...there is so much that should change and quickly too but there is not a way yet. I trust God will put it in place for me, I just dont know how or when...I know what I want and what He wants for me are probably worlds apart, and His will be tons better~I just have to listen and do what He wants me to do....