I am...

I am worthless.
I am a waste of space,
a sorry excuse of a human.
Just look at me,
no wonder he dont want to be seen with me
I am an embarrassment.
If I want to believe in God,
I have to believe I am a mistake,
I cannot be saved,
I am unworthy.
I am a failure.
I cant do anything,
I have no worthwhile talents.
Things I do are stupid,
People feel sorry for me,
Thats all, noone cares.
My opinions are stupid,
noone cares what I think.
I dont deserve to live.
I dont deserve happiness.
I hate myself because of you and you I AM'S!!

Words Matter

The words you use to and in front of your children~as well as anyone else~ does matter! Remember you are trying to exude Christianity, forgiveness and love among other things! You are trying to raise good Godly Christian children. When someone you dont know sees you in action at any point in your day, they should see God in your life. Thats the goal I am setting for me, it is unrealistic and I will fail, but I will never stop trying.

One of the most dangerous words in the English language. Almost. The devil only tells lies when it is ALMOST the truth....isnt that amazing?!?! An almost Christian looks right but lives wrong.

Another one. Try. Dont try, just DO!! When you try to do something, you are giving yourself permission to fail. I will try to come to the party. I will try not to run a red light. I will try to read the Bible more. Now reread those without the word try. Do you see the difference? Never try, trying is leaving it open to not finishing, for failure....

Revenge. Trying to "get someone back" for something that they said or did is not only a lack of forgiveness.  It keeps us living in the past. Ladies and Gentlemen, we do not live in the past for a reason! Revenge is a killer of growth and maturity, it only creates unhappiness and frustration! Move forward, create the life you want, the one God wants for you.

Blame. When you blame others for how you feel or think or for things you do you are GIVING THEM POWER OVER YOUR LIFE. How you feel is your own responsibility, why give others the power to make you miserable?

"Like a girl." Never tell you daughter she did anything "like a girl" how else is she supposed to do it? "Like a man?" You are humiliating her, it puts her down, teaches her that she is weak, not as good as men.  And telling you son that only teaches him that girls are "less than" boys. It subconsciously allows him to not respect women!

Ok, so that has little to do with religion but hey, its what was on my mind. I have been thinking a lot about the words I use and how they limit me. Or make failure an option!

I need water because this life has been a tough pill to swallow. I need that living water. Why make it worse with language? lol

Do All Things With A Pure Heart

1 Cor 16: 14
Let all that you do be done in Love.

This, ladies and gentleman, even means good deeds! If you hate the soup kitchen you serve food at for the homeless people you dont want to be around it does not count. You then get an attitude, put off a vibe everyone around you notices. You are not helping these people but confirming their fears that they are shunned and unwanted, unloved.

If you are helping your elderly neighbors carry groceries inside just because last time she paid you ten dollars and you expect it again, it is no longer a kindness out of your heart. If you are helping the little old lady cross the street just because you are late and it is faster (and not because you want to make sure she is safe or because you want to help) it become a duty not a service. Those treasures are wooden and worthless to God. They dont count. Your heart, the reason you do things, matters! It matters greatly!

Sometime you have to say something the person you are saying it to may consider mean. If someone is sinning and they dont realize it, they should be told. I would want to be told if I was slipping farther and farther from Jesus and not realizing it! Sometimes in a situation like that, it can get tense and upsetting, but it can be done in love and with kindness!!

It is my dream to work (a paid job) at some kind of place that services the homeless or children. I have no job experience though, no training. I doubt I could find a job anywhere much less one I want. God is working slowly in my life right now, I am trying to make plans but He is not making a way yet. It is just not time I guess....I need a job and I need help. God knows what I need. Please pray for me!

Under Construction...

I feel like I am imploding! Last time there was an election, I was not a christian, I did not have very good morals and values, I have never before thought to add my Christianity to my political opinion. So on FB, a social media site, I was having a conversation about abortion, I started spouting out my old beliefs, the way I used to think and I even threw in some Christian warm and fuzzy distorted words...I really thought I still felt that way. Then someone else asked me about a post I did about the president. Now I have church in the morning but I cannot sleep because I am going over and over both conversations. I made mistakes in both conversations!

I am not a republican. I do not think I am a democrat any longer either...What I am is under construction! And about abortion, I still just dont see how making it illegal will help anything...but I just dont feel the way I used to. I am unsure how I feel really. I am confused, first and foremost, I do not want to do anything wrong...I want to be as pure as possible which will do little good to anyone but me lol....I dont want to make God cry, or angry, I also dont want to think the wrong thoughts or feel the wrong way. All of that is next to impossible really, we all will fail miserably!!

I keep getting blindsided with this....everything in my life is changing, and I dislike change, but this change is different. I wonder when I will stop being surprised when I notice God working to change me and me belief system! It really throws me off when this happens, it is scary and such a relief at the same time. I have a whole lot of thinking to do. A bunch of changes to make. I dont know who I am turning into but I KNOW I am changing into Gods child, the one I should have been all along! I feel so cheated that I wasnt raised christian, that I didnt take one of several opportunities to become one earlier in my life!

Noone told me it would be like this, and I am glad, I would never have become christian in the first place. Fortunately, now that I am a christian, I could not change that even if I wanted to and tried to. I can never go back to unbelief. It is just not going to happen, period! When someone asks me who I am, my answer is no longer Amanda, It is "A follower of Jesus Christ, my lord and savior!" It has become my new center, my one unchangeable thing, like my name used to be. Loving God and following Jesus is now everything to me! It is me, who I am, and what I do. I belong to NOONE, not even myself, anymore EXCEPT for God, through Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit...

So, God has chosen to put an "under construction" sign on my life with a highlight on my morals and values and belief system for now. My opinions are constantly changing, evolving even throughout a conversation! It is oddly refreshing! To know that I can be anything God wants me to do, think anything He chooses to throw my way, I dont have to please anyone except Him. I dont have to be the old me and I never have to be her again! That is such a relief!

Who am I??

Who am I? Does God know? Does He care?Are you listening, Are you there? It only makes sense to ask the Maker why He made what He made. Since we all look different our purposes can't all be the same. I am someone. An individual. Who's mostly confused and partially spiritual. Looking to answer this question. Praying the Maker will respond.

I am alienated, an outcast and sometimes, oppressed. I am never enough, always unworthy. Always unwelcomed and unaccepted. I am week, my soul takes flight, I have no rights....I watch life pass by through the window and I am so afraid to go join in, I am just going to mess up, be ridiculed and laughed at. They will look at me and laugh or be scared and run from me. Either way~its not fun to be me.

I am so messed up. I struggle with sin. Sometimes sin seams to win. Then I pray and the light shines sometimes it is just a dull twinkle but I see the light. It does not change how I feel, just how I deal with feeling so alone and isolated.  Playing hide and seek...seeking God on Sundays but hiding the rest of the week...I become a master of disguise, not letting Jesus change my life... I celebrate Christmas but have never celebrated Christ... Changing nothing, expecting changes to be made for me....Show me my worth...Show me how to live without all this heavy baggage....

Dear God, its me again, I am really needing an answer to this prayer I have been praying since I became a Christian...Who is the new me? I know the old me and I sure dont want to be her anymore. I feel You changing me daily, moment by moment...But what are you molding me into? By now, you know me well, please keep my gaze fixed on you, show me how to love you, how to love another person, a friend, show me how to be human. Show me how to live a life worthy of you. A life that anyone can look at and plainly see You in it....

I only see my flaws, consider my mistakes. Lets face it, I have made some pretty stupid mistakes. Done horrible things. This enemy is controlling my emotions...I need your solution not a false illusion. I need to act now, not regret doing nothing later...I dont want to throw You away. I dont see a way.

There is no point in pretending, this is a last ditch effort...Show me You are in my life. Show me what I am doing right and wrong. Put people in my path who I need and who may need me. Please, God, help me. I need You. I need to feel as special and precious as they say I am to You. I need you to show me love because I dont know it...I need hope....

Womans Meetings and Riding In The Car With The Girls...

Today was my first Womans Meeting at the church! It was awesome! We did a little with the Bible but mainly today we celebrated a ladys birthday. It was just real nice. there were 13 of us there...I counted at least ten times because I hate that number...a throw back from my atheist days and a bad luck symbol....but I know now that kind of thing has no power in my life anymore...anyway so I know there were 13 of us....Another woman had to leave early to go to her daughter who is making her a grandma! Yeah! New life is so amazing! We talked about a lot of things. They even took an interest in me which kinda shocked me because I am so new...noone really knows me except the ones I go with...But I shouldnt be shocked anymore...they have been great form the first. I still get a little uncomfortable with all the touching and hugging but its really nice to feel cared for. It dont feel forced or put on for a show..it feels real. And its getting better. And my mother in law is still looking out for me...she has been completely amazing! I have known her for years, but I am getting to know her now and shes really cool. And her friends are too. Anyway...she stopped someone form a possible mistake of too soon yet and I am glad she did. Because I am not ready for what could have happened not yet. At the end we prayed. And let me tell you about this...they pray out loud, each one separately and all at the same time...so its like you have ten radios on all on different stations and volumes...we prayed for what felt like a long time, but it was a good time...I was looking around amazed how everyone just flows together...like my ears tuned in to one voice and then the next and the next and they were all praying for the same things not always at the same times but still...And yes, I prayed, but I am a silent praying kind of gal...so far anyway....but they all prayed for my mom which touched my heart. I felt so comfortable there! God is good!! I am thankful I have found this church and these people!

So coming home, my mom in law and her friend who was driving were in front and her friends neighbor was in the back with me. We had such a great time! We laughed the whole way back! We told funny little stories. I felt included which is not easy when you have a group of friends, mom in law and her friend, and i dont know well they each know the friends neighbor but then I am a basic stranger to everyone. I have spent time with mom in law and some with her friend but its different now. before it was based on my spouse, thats how we all knew each other, now its based on God and it feels different it even looks different...So anyway, we are cutting up and I am actually talking and opening up, something of a first, and i catch myself cursing. i said butt but not so nice....i dint even notice until the next sentence oops its kinda hard to shove a word out of someones ear and back in your mouth when you say something wrong...No one said a word or even looked at me odd, but I knew and it bothered me. I did it again twice stopping mid word both times but damage done...still noone said anything or even acted like they noticed....but I did. And I thought I was doing so good with that. But I didnt say nothing too horrible however telling your wife her behind does not look big is the same as stealing in Gods eyes....So now I know I need to protect my mouth better. I wonder how thats going to work....but let me say this..before I could make a sailor blush...I am doing incredibly well but I thought I had it licked. I think I just felt too comfortable with them and reverted back to friendship style that I know...I think I can shape it up. I dont think it will be too difficult either...I think its just my default to go to that type of language. I can unlearn that...It may take time, but its not difficult. Just takes discipline. I wonder if I did this the other day and just didnt notice...I dont think so because I was more watchful and less at home. Today just took my walls down. I hope it stays like this between us all. that would be great! Thank you God for this time in my life!!

Defining sin...

Defining sin is tricky. Everyone knows killing and lying and steeling is a sin. But there is more to biblical sin than the obvious.

It will include holding on to such emotional reactions as unforgiveness, anger, hatred, bitterness, resentment, fear, shame, guilt, self-rejection, self-hatred, death wishes and many other attitudes that negatively affect our relationship with God.

When people are physically or emotionally abused, they naturally react in anger. Such a reaction is not a sin (see Eph. 4:26). But it is the holding of the anger, allowing it to become unforgiveness, that is sinful and internally damaging.

Many people suffer from self-condemnation, self-rejection and even self-loathing. In spite of the value God puts on us, a value we often know only in our heads, our feelings toward ourselves may be quite negative. Many people are holding anger toward God.

Sin includes the failure to do what is right. You see someone picking on a kid, you have to step in. You see someone stealing, you have to say something... Sin includes not loving each other as yourself. And the Bible teaches that sin involves a condition in which the heart is corrupted and inclined toward evil.

 Rejecting Gods plan and purpose for us is also a sin. Yes, defining what is a sin is no easy task. Think about it for a bit and see if you can find some hidden sin in your life, I know I have more than my fair share, however,  I -like everyone- evolve and change daily. I dont know what all sins are in my life, but I love finding out and fixing it. The absolute worst thing that could happen is I find some peace and joy and grow closer to God and Jesus. Thats not too shabby....

Communion and Mother in Laws

Communion at the church I attend is only done on the first Sunday of the month. If there is a special holiday I am sure they make special arrangements for it, adding one or changing when it is done. They say it is so we dont become desensitized to what it means to take communion. I get that. Today is the first Sunday of the month...so when I got there and found out we were going to partake in this I kinda panic. I have never done it and dont believe I have ever witnessed it either...

My first thought....I kid you not!....I am not Catholic, I cant take communion! I am not going to a Catholic church and have only been in one, for a wedding, ever. Why that came to my mind and out of my mouth I have no idea. So we establish that I do not need to be Catholic as no one else there is Catholic anyway...And still, I am not baptized, I cannot take communion if you are not baptized can you? Apparently, yes, you can...Still, I balk.

I am so unsure and thoughts are going through my head and the trays are getting closer and closer to me. But I listen to the preacher, and its like hes talking just to me for a little bit...and I become ok just like that. I take my little wafer (it is not an unpleasant smell but i wouldnt call it a pleasant one either....) and the "wine" (i put " around wine because I am unsure if it was wine or grape juice. I am pretty sure its grape juice because I am an alcoholic and I dont feel like I had a sip of wine and I would feel that I believe... that and he was encouraging kids [of a certain age]to partake.)

So he wants us to wait and all take it together. He talked about it and prayed over it. It was nice really. It was my first communion and now I am crying lol!! Ok. It was my first communion and it was special and it meant alot to me. More than I ever imagined.

I had the best day. My mother in law brought me and her friend who drove us out to eat and back to her house for the day. We spent a lovely afternoon outside on the porch swing in the nice mosquito free weather... We went back to church tonight and the music was pretty awesome tonight....so was the message...I will do something on that later because I wrote it down because the whole concept needed some studying lol.

So my Mom in law is having surgery in a few weeks and she wont be able to drive for a few months. But shes the BEST! She has found a way for me to get to at least most of the services even when she cant go...so I dont have to look for a closer one and start all over. I can stay where I am learning. And they have started a womens night thing at the church. I dont know what it will entail, I have never been to one. I have no clue. One day, soon, I will not be in the dark anymore! I will know what to expect and what is expected....It is Tuesday nights. I cant wait..I find the more I learn the more I want....

God and "Daddies"

Ok, let me explain this first. God was not even a concept for me growing up. Not until I got to school and kids started talking about this God thing did I even know the word and a concept was not drawn until much later. I was maybe nine or ten when I went to church the first time! So by the time I ever thought of God, comparing Him to my father was out of the question. I have never ever done that. I hear that trips a lot of people up.

As far as daddys go I know the best daddy in the world! My sons adoptive father! He did all the things daddys are susposed to do with their kids, and my son wasnt even his! That didnt change after he adopted him either I know. I am thankful I have that image of Brad on the floor teaching our Justyn to crawl and making him laugh just to see our boy smile. Of him coming home and yelling "Family Hug". I would run and get Justyn so fast and later, he would run to me and grab my hand dragging me to the door for our hugs...When someone says now that God is like your father, that is what I think of. Not only that, but when Justyn through a fit and hit his brother, his dad put him in a time out. When Justyn ran in the street, he got a spanking. Fathers, good fathers. the best fathers, they discipline their children! God does not spank or put you in a time out per say but he does discipline you! He lets you know if you care to listen and feel...yes, sometimes you can FEEL a wrong decision...and the right one too...

But God is NOT human therefor He does not have human emotions. I have known God and Jesus for maybe a year. I have known versions of them longer, but only about a year with the real deal...I love Jesus deeply.  I cannot imagine how much He loves ME!!! Two things....One....God allowed His son, who is an extension of Him, to be killed in such a painful and humiliating way so I could be saved. And Two... i have known God for about a year as I said, but He has known me since BEFORE TIME BEGAN!!! How deep does His emotions run really?

God made us in His image but He did not want us to make Him in our image! God is not self seeking, egotistical. anger driven, moody, mean, He IS NOT HUMAN....we do not know the emotions we have in common with Him, or what He has that we have no ideas about...I for one never think of God as a dad...He is my ultimate parent, better than mom or dad and not in the same class as either!

Judging and Learning!!

One thing I have learned is that I have been "judging a book by its cover" here and it needs to stop. I caught myself thinking about church today because it is Wednesday and my mom in law didnt call, so I assume shes still sick and I will keep praying for her. But anyway, I was thinking of it and I keep saying things like not yet or when....like I expect bad things to happen. Yes, I had a really bad experience with one church from that group, but judging one church on one service is a huge stretch and judging a whole denomination on one service in one church is simply ridiculous!! I just need to relax and stop expecting negativity! I keep wanting more and more. To be around people who believe, to learn about God and Jesus and His word...

Learning for me is so different though! So many of the stories in the Bible intertwine...you really need other knowledge to get the whole picture, and when you have been raised in a church or have been going a long time, when you have read the bible several times over, you KNOW these things, it becomes second nature and you cant imagine someone NOT knowing this fact that you know like the value of a dollar...so when you hear a story, you get it. When I hear a story I am like what? why this and how that and what does this mean...and let me tell you people get sick of all the questions!! They actually get mean. Its sad really. Just say you dont know. I get it. Not everyone is a teacher! I know I am not! Dont get mad because you just know these things and not why you know them.

I understand the Bible says it, I believe it, the end. But I want to know more....I have to...I need to learn all I can. It will be very important and soon too. I dont know why or how I know that but I do...It gets so frustrating only being able to go as fast as someone wants to teach me, but everyone has a life!! That cant be put on hold, not for me! I cant learn on my own like that, I never have been able to, I need strict guidance and tutoring by someone with the patients of a saint, the knowledge of an angel, and the teaching ability from God....I need a line by line, book by book explanation...commentary. I have not been able to find anything like I need except one wonderful lady who is doing it all herself! I am so thankful, she is so perfect for teaching me! The woman has a life and is going back to school and has medical issues and family things...she preaches at two or three places I believe...So as much as she can do for me, she really does. I know she HAS to be neglecting some of her life to teach me, and I am thankful! But as I said, it is slow....God wants me with her though I know that...I feel that....But there is also more time I can dedicate to Him, so I am looking for something else...maybe another angle of learning or start in other books...

I dont know. I know the little I have tried to go beyond her has been met with frustration, on everyone's parts...I often think of giving up. I feel like God does not want me to learn about Him sometimes. He has put so many obstacles  up for me. I didnt think it would be like this, I thought all the knowledge I wanted would be at me fingertips but I cant find nothing I can learn from! Not on my own without guidance! I know what is likely going on but I hate waiting! God has better plans for me if I can just hold on for a little bit...but HOW LONG until You send me that one special teacher You want me to have??

Or there is something I need to change first...there is so much that should change and quickly too but there is not a way yet. I trust God will put it in place for me, I just dont know how or when...I know what I want and what He wants for me are probably worlds apart, and His will be tons better~I just have to listen and do what He wants me to do....