Beautiful Thoughts....

THESE ARE NOT MY WORDS!!

But it is beautiful  . I want to find a preacher who preaches like this...With the original meanings of words and such...


And Jesus said to him, “Foxes have holes and birds of the air have nests, but the Son of Man has nowhere to lay His head.”
Matthew 8:20
I find what Jesus said in Matthew 8:20 so beautiful. Let me tell you why. In the original Greek text, the word “lay” is a very unique Greek word, klino. It is seldom used in the New Testament. The only other place it is used in terms of Jesus resting His head is at the cross. When Jesus hung on the cross and cried, “It is finished,” the Bible says that “He bowed His head, and gave up the ghost” (John 19:30, KJV). The word “bowed” here is the same Greek word klino.
My friend, it was only at the cross that the Son of Man finally found a place to rest His head. Jesus found His rest in redeeming you, in saving you. He found His rest in loving you.
So beloved, feed on Jesus’ love for you. Listen to sermons or sing songs about His love for you. You will be surprised at how strong it will make you. You will become more than a conqueror, not through your love for Him, but through Him who loves you (Romans 8:37)!

Another Sunday

Well I had another really good Sunday at this new church! I am really enjoying it. I am going to talk to the pastor about getting baptized, but I dont know if I can. The fear of water thing isnt the issue anymore....its my life...and how I live. Anyway, I have not written in the blog for almost the whole week! But I have not forgotten it and I will take better care to post more often in the future. I have been in the Bible and other books about God lately and there just is not enough time in the day to do everything and still live a life!

Todays lesson...Matthew 5;8 Blessed are the pure in heart for they shall see God. I think this confuses me because I have not been pure of heart ever. I dont think I have been anyway. I dont think I know what that is supposed to mean....And does this mean if you are not pure of heart you will not see God? Dont we all get to see him? At least to be judged??

Bible Reading....

For me, reading the Bible is a daunting task! I simple cannot understand it, even with simpler translations, I really need guidance and study not just reading. I have to STUDY everything because I dont know anything! I have not heard but a few bible stories and I have found the ones I have heard are wrong! Its crazzy!

So yesterday I got some really good bible study books and this morning I spent and hour with one and plan to do another hour before supper.  This bible study books are broke up in sections that are supposed to take an hour but since I am reading it it takes longer. Thats ok. I am thrilled to have the ability to study and understand!! 

I am thinking of a lot of things right now...so I need to relax. Slow down, and not forget to breath! It is just hard for me to do for some reason when it comes to God and learning about Him....Ok I am off to study!!

My For Now Church

So picking a church was so hard today I didnt do it. I decided to wait and drive and see what I found, but my spouse didnt like that idea so he sent me with our mother in law. Long story short, his wife died and her family is still his, I believe this is how God intended it. She is really one of the FEW examples of Christianity I have had in my life. And its not a bad example. I know what she used to be like be like from stories. And I know what I see now. Not a bad example at all! So when I got to her house, way too late to back out I found out her church is an Assembly Of God. If you have read my older posts, you know of my first and hopefully last experience with that church! But it wasnt to be. And I am so very glad! I loved it! It was nothing like the other one. they had study books they use for bible study and I understood it! It was easy to follow and if I do study on my own and have questions, she is a phone call away or I have some religious groups online I can ask! It is awesome!

The first one claimed to be pentecostal, but this one says no, they are different, however Assembly Of God is typically a pentecostal movement type of church it varies how much so from church to church and they cannot claim to be pentecostal. That does not matter, I still dont have to ware a dress and I can watch tv and they have understandable bible study info. I think I am smart enough to see the slant if there is one. I am too curious and dont just take someones word for anything....except Gods.  And I just love to learn about God and am excited to be able to get into the bible with something I can understand. I can go at my own pace until I run out of their old books lol! So less time online and bloging! I cant wait to hear what this wonderful book has to tell me!!

So I think for now, this is where I will be. If I ever do get uncomfortable, I can find another one. But as long as I feel God wants me to be there, I think I will stay. I am glad I had the other experiences and may, from time to time, try another church...but I am happy with my mom in law and I think her church is a good place to start. I wont close off other options yet, but I wont close off staying there either! Like her, I may find I just dont want to leave!

Bible study was on Caleb and his faith....and about doubt...ah, I dont like what I learned about those who doubt, but they didnt just doubt they stopped believing, they quit trusting, they did not WANT to go forward anymore, actually saying they should have stayed in Egypt.....I am quick to back doubt off and careful to turn at once back to belief....

In church we learned happiness does not come unless a happening (an event) happens! also about Gods house and how awesome it must be since each believer has a MANSION in that house! Thats not all for either Sunday school or church....I have to go.

I will go back to church tonight...she is coming and getting me...so I will have more tonight or in the morning.

Once Saved, Always Saved?

I have thrown myself into this debate and tried to make some since out of it!! On my FB page, I have laied out arguments for both sides. That is how I learn, I look at both sides and make my decision...my conclusion is...I dont know. And that is ok. I dont have to know everything right now!! The bible is clear, on both sides. The unforgivable sin looks like it cannot be committed anymore..It was only able to be committed when Jesus walked the Earth in His Human form! So on that note, Noone can take it from you, Once you are saved, you go to heaven.

But God is always a Gentleman, I do not see him forcing anyone to remain His child...If someone is saved and the devil gets them and convinces him or her God does not exist, that person is now a non believer....how can he or she then go to heaven when one of the two requirements is to believe in God and Jesus and that Jesus died for you? If a person who once believed no longer believes, do they go to heaven anyway? ALSO, the second requirement... repentance...If you die IN SIN (example, you are at a casino hotel, you just gambled all your money away, you are with a woman whom is not your wife, You are high, drunk and have a heart attack...) (example, driving drink you hit a car and kill all five occupants and die yourself) how can you repent form that?

But that is also a difference of choice and circumstances...if a person chooses to return the gift, I am unsure as to weather God would take it back or not...A gentleman dosent force someone to accept a gift, but once it is accepted, He likewise never takes it back....So I guess thats my answer for that.....and circumstances, I think that once you are saved you are EXPECTED to mess up...even greatly at times...Christians backslide every day of their lives sometimes! God does punish and discipline His children, but does he remove salvation? I doubt it highly!

It sounds like I have decided once saved always saved, but I think before I make a commitment on the issue I need to meditate and  really think on this some...What I really need to do is STICK TO MILK ISSUES AND LEAVE THIS SOLID FOOD ALONE FOR NOW!! That is much easier said than done..I need  a mentor in this Journey, someone who will tell me to slow down and stick to the easy stuff for now...

How God Introduced Himself to Me

How God introduced Himself to Me (This is about three weeks after the Sally John book thing!)



My husband (I say husband, but we are not actually married, we have been together for almost nine years though) has been very sick for a very long time. At its worst, in the beginning, he was in a coma for a week. It was so horrible and stressful. I didnt have God in my life. I truly didnt know how He could help me. I was so lost and scared. I was surrounded by people and felt so very alone, I was losing the one person who had helped me and loved me and needed me. I couldnt do anything to help and I was so totally devastated. This could not be happening not now. Not yet.


At the time I smoked, so I went outside and was sitting all alone on a bench. It overlooked a pretty walkway and across the street is a playground. This was a weekend and a Sunday school was there. I assume it was a Sunday school, because they started singing. I didnt recognize the tune and couldnt really hear the words well...


About half way through this song I started crying and had no idea why. Suddenly through my tears I felt so perfectly at peace. I knew then I would have more time with my husband and I knew I was not alone. I also knew just that quickly God was with me. In that one moment my entire world changed. I started to notice things immediately but I am getting ahead of my self...


Back to me crying on the bench....I knew I had to find out about God and was finishing my cig, crying and thinking how I could do that. (I do not do well with people. I have panic attacks bad and honestly if I could never leave my home I would be thrilled!!) I came up with nothing...Anyway...This very pretty lady came and sat beside me. She was crying too. She was telling me about her day. She lost a close friend today in a car wreck. She is in an abusive relationship and was looking for a sign to leave him. She was praying as she was across the street at the revival...she looked over at the hospital "thinking if he puts me there will i ever get out?" Her words...and she saw a figure sitting (me) on the bench. She said her gaze lingered on me and she felt compelled to keep looking at me. Then suddenly I started to glow. She said all around me I had a glowing light and she felt forced to come to me and sit and talk to me. We talked for a very long time. Hours. We ate at the hospital. When I was with my husband she was in the waiting room. (Only 15 mins of visit per four hours in ICU.)
She knew God and she was looking for a sign to fulfill Gods wishes for her life. Trust me, God does not want you in an abusive relationship. God knew I needed him even if I knew next to nothing about Him. God chose to reveal Himself to me more fully and more quickly than normal because He knew I needed that to go to Him. God chose that moment to do it because she needed to know He wanted her to be safe...happy...whole..... He knew she needed a special sign and I needed a special assignment...


Without her I dont know that I would be here now even with the rest of it...but that He used me so strongly at the moment he decided I needed to know him...That has to mean something special for me...maybe I can help a lot more people...if I can I gladly will...Even if I have to leave my home and talk to ppl. Gladly, with a smile on my face.


I cannot overlook the fact that in that moment when I believe the light started I knew more about God and Jesus than was ever told to me...I had no way of knowing things I now know to be facts. That means something.


As a previous non believer, all the evidence does point to God...I will not turn my back on Him. He made me feel so loved so completely not alone even when there was noone else there. Since that moment He has proven over and over that He knows what I need and gives it to me. Even when I dont like it. Even when i fight it....He hasnt given up on me so I cant give up on Him.
Thats also why I kinda agree that maybe I dont need to understand it all right now..It will come...Gosh, that one moment...It was so amazingly perfect. I know what I felt was Heaven...I was given one brief moment of perfect utopia!! I want that. I need that. I will not give that moment up for anyone or anything.

 Thats also why I kinda agree that maybe I dont need to understand it all right now..It will come...Gosh, that one moment...It was so amazingly perfect. I know what I felt was Heaven...I was givin one brief moment of perfect utopia!! I want that. I need that. I will not give that moment up for anyone or anything.

As To God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit...

Ok, if you are a regular reader of my blog you know that I have had problems with this! I told you I would do research and try to figure this out..and I have...With the help of friends and mentors I have come to some new conclusions! My previous thoughts of God being a family name is totally wrong!!

- The bible says is John 10:30: " I and my father are one" this is not a numerical one, Jesus is not saying he is the father. they are not one person but in nature they are a united one. It actually reads we are one in Greek the first person plural esmen . 

And then, when Jesus dies, He is separated from God and how can you separate from yourself? Ok, So I ask my friend this and she says you cant but God can. That is ok with me! I already accept God can do a lot of stuff I cant do! like be everywhere at once, read minds and hear everyones prayers at once!

So she came up with... There is only one God, but He manifests Himself in three persons, whom we call the Trinity. I LOVED that! but then I read..."The doctrine of the Trinity does not on one hand assert that three persons are united as one person, or three beings in one being, or three Gods in one God (tritheism); nor on the other hand that God merely manifests himself in three different ways (modal Trinity of manifestations); but rather that there are three eternal distinctions in the substance of God." So now I am worse off than when I started! At least when  I started I have a theory. I knew it was most likely not correct but I had one!

In case you have not figured this out yet, I am writing this as I am doing the research... My thought process is important to this important subject! And I learned my lesson from the creation vs evelotuion one!! I should have done all of that one and not stopped in the middle...it made the whole post seam unfinished!

- The Trinity is not three substances but three persons existing simultaneously, which are the one essence.

-  These person's are not separate from the essence, they subsist in it. (I had to look up subsist, it confused me so I figured I had the meaning of the word wrong it means...1 to exist; continue in existence. 2. to remain alive; live, as on food, resources, etc.)

-  Nor are there three essences that would make them three God's.

-  God is tri-une as persons but in nature one God. As Athanasius coined the phrase "not dividing the substance nor confusing the persons."

- If God were deduced to a mathematical formulae he would not be 1+1+1=3 which would be tritheism, but would be 1x1x1=1, a unified one. None of the persons can exist without the other, they all make up the one God in unity. that each person dwells in the other two which makes God indivisible and unquantifiable, so that wherever one of the persons of God is, all of God is there.(again, how do you separate from yourself...again...I trust God does lots of things we as humans cannot do!)

- God cannot be divided, he is one God in his nature but three in persons. Its not a matter of opinion because this is the only conclusion one can come to from the overall body of literature in the scripture. All three are called God, the Father calls the Son God in Heb.1 the Son calls the Father God. All three simultaneously exist. 

Well I still dont get it. I truly do not. Look for another post on this matter in the future...for now I have decided that I cannot understand this...it is like the whole milk thing...as a young (not in age but in time spent as a ) christian, I need to be feeding on milk, and this issue is solid food, not milk, I think it is that I have to understand a lot of other important things before I can get this thing...As I grow and mature in Christ, these harder lessons will come, but that does not mean give up or that I shouldnt seek to learn these issues...


And then another friend said...Think of it like this; water takes the form of mist/steam, snow/ice, rain/water.... But, it's all still water, right? All are totally different; but still water. just different forms....Reducing God to water is just wrong, but it shows, here on earth, how one thing can be three things and how three things can be one thing...This I can get, I can understand, and I will learn more about it later when its time!


This is added a few hours after this is originally posted and helped me greatly.... 

The Trinities in Nature

People already believe in trinities. They just don't know they do. Here is how. Basically, the universe consists of three elements: Time, Space, and Matter. Each of these is comprised of three 'components.'
Time     Past     Present     Future
Space     Height     Width     Depth
Matter     Solid     Liquid     Gas

With time, for example, the past is not the same as the present, which is not the same as the future. Each is simultaneous (according to some time theorists). Yet, they are not three 'times' but one. That is, they all share the same nature: time.

With space, height is distinct from width, which is not the same as depth, which is is not the same as height. Yet, they are not three 'spaces' but one. That is, they all share the same nature: space.

With matter, solid is not the same as liquid, which is not the same as gas, which is not the same as solid. Yet, they are not three 'matters' but one. That is, they all share the same nature: matter.

Courage...

    As a new Christian I not only want to SET a good example of what people see, I want to LIVE a good example of my whole life. I do not want to be a do as I say not as I do Christian. I want for every action and thought I have to be worthy. That is unrealistic but it is a good thing to strive for....Being a new christian is not easy by any means! I am always questioning everything I do and think. Is this a christian thought? Should I say something? Should I do or not do this? One thing I am glad does not need changing is the way I dress. Because of things in my past I have always dressed modestly. Jeans and baggy shirts although I am waring more blouses now instead of just T-shirts! Never dresses. I do think I need to start waring a few dresses, I think I will start looking for a cut one but you can bet it will go past my elbows and almost to my ankles. That is just me and always has been.

My favorite color has always been orange. I never ware it because I dont like looking like a caution cone walking down the road lol. But when I think of orange I think of lions and when I think of lions I think of courage! For me orange has always been associated with courage. I have never thought of myself as courageous. Not ever, in fact, quite the opposite! But that is changing rapidly! It takes TONS of courage to sit down at a table of atheists and pray before you eat! (which I dont do every time and is hard for me to remember....I am learning and it will become second nature soon enough! God knows my heart and is fine tuning me slowly and quickly at the same time!) It takes courage to believe in God and to know Jesus when sin is all around you, being surrounded by sin and having it dominate your life is a hard place for a christian to be let me tell you!! It takes a bunch of courage to tell my friend I dont want to do something I used to do all the time because it would hurt God. It takes a lot of courage to want to change so completely and totally! To let God work His wonders in my life. It takes courage to trust and believe in something that you have never known. To let His will be done in my life is unbelievably amazing. It is painful too. Noone said this was easy! Oh no, its not! I have already lost friends who do not approve of my new life. Thats OK. God will give me more friends who love Him like I do...it still hurts....


As a new christian, my morals and my values are changing minuet by minuet!! The more I learn the more I change....it is really amazing!

Yet I still have moments of doubt, being so new its not surprising.  Being raised an atheist and having believed that all my life until recently it is to be expected I suppose...  But it is hard to talk about, when you have fleeting moments of doubt and more so when they linger a while. Its not shameful or uncommon. I have been told if you dont have doubts, there is usually a problem, and its usually with honesty! I dont know the truth of that statement but I liked it and it helped me so I take it at face value!

Store Treasures In Heaven Not On Earth!

Jesus said to store up treasures in Heaven instead of here on Earth. Ok, I admit I dont know anything about this. The first time I heard anything about this was extremely recently! And it confused me so very much I think we both kinda gave up. I decided it is not something I needed to know now, it would come later. But I dont want to talk about what it means for after death anyway.... I want to talk about something Earthly. Hoarders. One reason hoarders hoard I think is because their soul feels it has no treasures for heaven and they try to fill that void here on Earth probably never knowing this! They instinctively know they need treasures but dont know the truth of what they really need.

I have known hoarders. This fits the bill from my point of view.....It may be very different but I just had thought...And I think of my little "collections". I have a Taz collection. I have teddy bears, and clowns....I wonder if this is why...so naturally I have to do some studying on this too!!

Ladies and Gentlemen, when you graduated you DID NOT STOP STUDYING AND LEARNING, READING AND NOTE TAKING. As a christian you HAVE to constantly be reading the Bible and other books....remember your devoted time to God...you should approach that time like the hardest school subject you ever had....For me, as a new christian, I find this very true, it may not be so dyer as you mature...but then again, since you will NEVER know everything about God, it may not change....

Ok sorry, back to hoarding...so I have my little collections and taz is my fav. I seriously have it in a locked  room. yes. seriously. I have spent many many years on it and so have friends! My clowns are really kinda mean cause I keep them because some people are afraid of them. My dad started me on it when I was a child. I dont have many and they are not overtly displayed in my home....My teddy bears remind me of cute cuddly safe feelings you know? So do i have these because I know I should be gathering treasures for after death? Is that even the right phrasing? after physical death maybe better? What are those treasures and how do you get them? Well I am told it is your "good deeds" on earth. If you convert people. If you do the right things at the right times....and it earns rewards later? I dont fully grasp this concept. Because doesnt the bible aslo say that your heart when doing these deeds are judged as well...like if you do good deeds just because you will later be rewarded, it does not count?? so why even preach aobut it?? Those are wooden treasures and worthless to God. the jewles on the crown are good deeds and the crown is I dont know....I still dont think I am ready for this yet. but I wanted to get this thought out....

Does God Care What I Look Like?

I have a friend who is quickly becoming very dear to me. She has started a diet and exercise program and she lost her first ten pounds! I was so pleased for her and I wanted to encourage her. I looked for what ten pounds really was... Large watermelon
Large bag of sugar or flour
A sack of potatoes
1.25 gallons of milk
Three two-liters of soda
A holiday ham or turkey
All these things are about ten pounds!! So I told her that she stopped carrying around all these things and wasnt it great!?

It got me to thinking.... And I wonder why my back hurts all the time and my ankle and  why I cant run or walk far. I wonder why I am always tired! I am fat. Not just a little fat but really really fat!! Well there are people larger than I am, but when I look in a mirror I cringe. When I get dressed, I am so disgusted... That got me to thinking about does God care what I look like? I dont think He does but at the same time, I do think he does. He wants me to be the best I can be, how can I do His work if I am always tired and in pain? He wants us to be healthy! The bible does say that your body is a temple to God. I think He wants you to be healthy but I dont think he cares that I am fat. I dont think he cares if you cut your hair although my hair is super long, I dont think the length of ones hair matters much. He would prefer if you not mark your body up, but I dont think he cares that I got a tattoo when I was younger...or that I have pierced ears. The bible says dress modestly but I dont think it matters much to God what you look like. For me though, I am getting healthier because I think God wants me to be healthy and treat my body right, including what I eat and when I exercise. I dont cut my hair because I have always loved my hair long. I wouldnt get another tattoo because I know the bible says not to, but I dont think having one will omit me from heaven! I have always dressed modestly but I dont think what you have one your body will prevent you from finding God. Now, once you find him and start a real relationship with him that will change, it just will....you wont know it untill you look at something in your closet and say ewww I wore that?? I have never worn makeup, but that does not mean its wrong for someone else...I dont do it because I never have.

God does not care how you come to him, just that you do. God has a plan for everyone. My life and my experiences do not lend to some things that may be very different for you. A friend goes clubbing all the time and wont even talk about God to me because she likes her music and the way she dresses. I went to youtube and showed her music in her style that praises God and told her that Gods plan for her may include the clubs and ministering there, the way she dresses may not have to change much if that is the case. And it is not required anyway. At least not yet that I have found. Remember I am new and still have not read the whole bible much less figured it out. Learning about God is a lifetime excursion! If you embark on this journey as I have you will learn something every single day for the rest of your life and you will never know it all!!

Now me losing wight is not something I am going to be blogging about, well I dont think I will be. It really hasnt made it to my heart yet like God has, it dont drive me yet...I am eating healthier for a while and I am losing wight but not much because I dont exercise with it...but all that JUNK not going in to begin with works wonders! I dont think God will turn any person away based on what they look like on the outside...it is FAR more important what your soul and heart look like to God....

Church!! Yeah!! And Fears....

Today I chose a Southern Baptist church. Now I am not skipping around, I am going in order they are to my original choice back home then I will go back away...So this church was really good. I went earlier than I thought I needed to but I was still five mins late for Sunday school. Oops, but I was not planning on going to Sunday school so I was almost an hour and a half early for church lol!!I am so very glad I did! The adult Sunday  school was in the middle (lesson six of twelve) of a video study thing I guess it was designed for use in Sunday schools. Anyway, it is by a Chip Ingram. Spelling may be wrong. It was called Why I  Believe. Anyway I learned that in the Old Testament over three hundred predictions of the coming Messiah. I learned that the odds of one man doing just eight were comparable to  filling the state of Texas with half dollars marking one trowing it in and asking a blind folded man to pick the one that was marked.....Jesus fulfilled every one of them! How awesome is that?

I also learned what I am officially called. I am called an "extra grace required" friend! I always have been. The thoughts in my head tend to take strolls out my mouth before checking with my brain first and it has got me in some trouble before! whew! man! I am also what is known as socially awkward. Well I have a big fear of people so this is to be expected, I have intentionally not learned how to interact with "normal" people to "protect" myself by not having to be around people. If I act weird which I really do, noone wants to hang out. and few people do...So I am always doing stupid things and not even knowing I am doing anything wrong. I think this is causing my continued fear of people. If they get to know me, they really wont like me... AND God is telling me YET AGAIN to read the bible. not just before bed, I need to get at it, get off the computer games and start reading the bible. I dont think I can memorize it but I sure can try! And it was suggested I start with John and that is actually where I am at.Look for a study tips post soon! And I need to look up some things so I may be posting about that also!

The Sunday school went real well. Like I said, I was late. they had started already and I left right after. The church part of church went better than last time for sure!! I am much more happy than last week, still dont think this is my "home" church but thats ok! They seamed to sense that I didnt like the hugging and so they, for the most part, were happy to just shake my hand rather than hug me. I still felt like my personal bubble kept getting popped but it was so much easier to handle! God is working miracles in my life for sure! And quickly! A few of the older ladies did not get the clue and hugged me but it was surprisingly not very bad for me emotionally, I mean. I even kinda felt comforted like I dont really know, like it wasnt near what it by all rights should have been, but it wasnt easy either....It was definitely manageable! They sang like five songs, but didnt repeat any! The words to the songs were in pamphlets that they make each week so no song books laying around which was nice not to have to flip through lol. and it had a little study guide fill in the blank thing for the sermon to come so i looked up the chapter and verse before service and bookmarked it. I liked not fumbling trying to catch up to where they are and figure out how much i missed looking for it lol. The verses, Acts 8;26-40. Ok. confession. I dont sing so i read it while they were singing. I thought It was going to be about baptism. But they only did the fitst part so why they marked to 40 i dont know they only went to 31 I think. So I said that for a reason..ok...I thought it was going to be about baptism and I notice...a thing the size of a hot tub up front. I freak. I have many fears and water is one of them... I dont swim I dont take a bath, shower only...even doing dishes can get tricky sometimes depending on the day..and I immediately think duh! This is a Baptist church. the name itself tells you they put an emphasis on baptism.  I know the bible tells us we need to get baptized and Jesus did as well, but when he speaks of it, it seams like its more important to happen in the soul, a new spirit fills you. So is water baptism really important? Oh I love this...I wasnt sure so I asked a friend and one of his friends said something I will never forget! Just hold your breath and have faith. If you cannot trust God to preserve you for ten seconds how can you possibly have faith God will be with you for the rest of your life, and then Eternity??!! How awesome is that!! So yes I will let God work in my life here too.

I know I have a lot of fears. But I just keep remembering that post form earlier about how fear does not come from God. He dont even put fear of evil in us. 

So, over all, really good day and I am pleased. I learned a lot and have some studying to do. But this will not become my "home" church. I want somewhere I can jump in and help out and learn and be a part of the church not just attend. They seamed like they didnt need help anywhere...so I will keep looking. Besides I want to really look and compare and make the best decision for me, not just settle with the first one that didnt push me too far you know...

Praying and Some Sidetracks...

I am so excited! It is Saturday! Tomorrow is Sunday! That means I get to find a new church! I hope I get to hear some preaching unlike last week! I will not be going back to that church for sure! I have been thinking a lot about praying. I find it difficult to remember throughout my day to take a moment and thank God no matter what it is. I stub my toe? Instead of cursing I should be jumping around like an idiot praising God that I get to make someone laugh. Did I spill taco sauce on my shirt during lunch and I have an important meeting to get to real soon? Instead of driving myself crazy, I should thank God for reminding me that what I look like isnt near as important as what I show He looks like in my new life. Did I get caught in the rain? Instead of being mad I forgot my umbrella and wondering why me I should be thanking God for showing me that He loves me, because that rainbow is a promise to US. Is my mom sick and in the hospital (yes, she actually is and has been for three months and has over a year to go!) In stead of getting mad at God, I should be thanking Him that i still have her and that He is with her. When my life gets frustrating it is easy to turn to God and be mad and have angry words and thoughts. But it shouldnt be like that. When things go right it is SO VERY EASY to turn to God and say thank you! It should be that easy when life throughs us a curve...When things are bad it is easy to think God dosent care He dont love me. He dont exist. This last one is real hard for me being an athiest for all my life until very recently. It is so easy to revert back to my old beliefs. Honestly it is quick to jump out at me and say "Hey! your stinking thinking is back! better adjust it!"  Blaming God is so easy but praising him is not. That is changing for me but I think it is something I will always battle to some degree.


My mind wandering again lol. Back to thinking about praying... hmmm Maybe that detour in thought was for a reason, Is there something I am still blaming Him for that I dont realize and it is making it hard for me to pray? That is something I will examine and meditate on today...OK again, back to praying....So what to pray and how to do it? I dont know. I tend to talk to him like He is siting next to me and He is my best friend. I find thats not the best. I tend to just jump in and I forget He is God. I should always start a prayer with Dear Lord...not like I often do, Hey God guess what just happended? like He wasnt there lol. after that what is said and how it is said is a very personal matter for each individual. BUT you cannot be focused on you. yes pray for wisdom of His word and knowledge of what His plan for your live is, that is focused on Him not you. but you want a job? dont focus on which job you want. Focus on what God wants your life to look like to best let Him shine. Focus on which job best supports your beliefs. can a christian work in a bar or casino? well i am sure that yes they can. But is it the best God wants of you? How will God work there? Make a plan show God and see what he says, If you dont get that job on Wall Street you want so badly know that God knows if you take that perticular job you may compromise your morals, you will get the next job! God always has a plan.

Is your coworker being rude or mean? Pray for them to have a change of heart. Keep doing it. Do it twenty times a day if need be. do I want a new outfit? forget it, dont pray for that!  pray that others have clothes. Am I sick? Pray for healing! but also pray for anyone else who is sick too... dont forget to thank Him for every little thing! He love to hear thanks! Praise Him and tell Him you love Him!!

And how it ends is always amen. What does amen mean? Several things. def one and two are important here...

1. it is so; so be it (used after a prayer, creed, or other formal statement to express solemn ratification or agreement).

2. verily; truly.

3. an utterance of the interjection “amen.”.

4. a musical setting for such an utterance.

5.  an expression of concurrence or assent

So in the middle I never want something that will make God cry or hurt Him in any way. If i end my prayers with "so be it" I cant have it be for something that hurts His image. This is expecally true for me. I am a new christian surrounded by atheists. I have to set the very best example so God shines in my life and hopefully lead others to Him! 

As I have said before If I ever post something you know to be wrong please let me know. I am doing this so I can learn and so others may learn too. I do not want to have wrong beliefs. And I surely do not want to teach anyone anything wrong....

At the store today...

    O.K. So, I am at the store today and I run into an old friend....I havnt seen this girl since high school and that was wow that was almost two decades ago!! She was crying in her car and I didnt recognize her. But she got all cleaned up and got out about the same time I did and we kinda bumped into each other. She recognizes me. And she proceeds to tell me all about her life which is great we were pretty good friends until we just lost touch. She gets to her kids who are living in sin and using drugs and alcohol and her husband who is gambling and looking at porn. Ok. thats more information than I need but again, I get it, I dont know any of these people, her husband or children..so needs someone to talk to. I notice she has a cross neclase and I ask her if she wants to pray....thats the first time I have ever asked someone that too....the first time I have initiated prayer in public. Thats just for your information. So she does and so we pray in the parking lot at market basket! It was great. But when we were done I had in my heart some thoughts that were not mine. Things that I have never thought before. I told her. "I am sorry but I have in my heart some thoughts that I have to share with you. I dont know why because these are not my thoughts or words. I am not trying to pry or tell you what to do. But I have to tell you this. You shouldnt tell all your friends and family about all of this. Of course you need advice but pick just a few. And this is why...When you tell you friends and family about your problems with your spouse or children, they have feelings aobut what you say. You may get over it and work it out, go to therapy or just let God fix it if its not that serious, You may or may not forgive you spouse of child or whomever, but how does your friend forgive it? how can your mother look with love at your husband who is her son now when she knows he does these things and it hurts you so? You are asking your friends to choose sides, oh I know you dont say the words or have that intent but how can they not take a side when they see you in such pain?"

She just broke down and cried right there. She said she was thinking of talking to her mom who loves very much her husband...and the God was telling her to think about it a little more. Now I want to know how that got in my head?!?! I have never ever considered that or thought of it. It has never been a problem for me to talk to my friends and family about my problems.  And when I am in a situation like that, the one I am mad at is often not in my thoughts to protect! So how did that even come to me. There is no way for those words to be in my head....and I know beyond a doubt what I said was the truth and I will always follow that now as well....but HOW did it come to me??

Creationism vs Evolution

For me, this was and is very serious! All the feel good/do good stuff with God is all fine and good. But my whole like I was told I am a glorified monkey! And quite frankly I have felt like it also! I was told Bozo was my uncle and I believed it...I mean science said its true so it must be, right? Well, that may  not be what science says. The big bang theory is just that A THEORY!! I have another theory for you and it have been scientifically prove, as much as the Big Bang Theory has been....

Do you remember Albert Einstein? How about his theory of relativity? He proved time is relative to speed...from the point of view you are looking at time....well, The Genesis Code, is a theory that "proves" science and the bible align. It suggests that God sees the passage of time differently than we do on earth, that made a lot of sense to me. the whole movie did....the movie is called The Genesis Code as well. it proves that what the bible said happened each day actually happened in a specific passage of time....in each passage the size of the universe doubled and things happened. it stops in day six. but God says he rested on day seven. and apparently we have not got there yet.

In researching this theory for this blog and a friend...I have found that the Creationists have major problems with this theory as well. For me, it no longer matters. And that happened while I was researching this. I do recommend the movie if you have problems with this area, it helped me get my head around the possibility and lead me to a conclusion I am loving. The bible is very literal, it also speaks in riddles much of the time....I know there is a scientific explanation, we are just not that smart yet....For me, I have decided it does not matter, I stand with God and the bible. Science no longer plays a role in it. God says everything was done in seven days...so it was. This was one explanation that i needed and got, weather it is right or not it does not matter. I know the truth and I dont think i need to define why anymore....


Everyone used to know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Earth was flat...that they could fall off the edge of it. There are people who believe in evolution and people who don't. There was once a time when an airplane was a fantasy. Someone will have a problem no matter what the theory is. Watch the movie and decide for yourself. At the very least it may open some doors you dont even know are closed yet....In all this time, theory's have changed, but the bible has not. knowledge has changed but the bible has not. 

Getting Discouraged

I am getting discouraged. It seams like the more I want to learn about God the more He is pulling away from me. You know it reminds me of how when God closes doors He does so for a reason, you are worth more than where that door will lead you, He only closes doors when He has a MUCH better plan for you. It seams to me that He keeps repeatedly closing the door on Himself to me....now I know thats not true. God is available to EVERYONE, but I ask for help and no one seams to hear....I look stuff up and it just confuses me more...I am frustrated and kinda mad right now. So, ok. maybe He is going to send a special teacher to me who will really get ME and help me the best to get closer to God. Maybe he is preventing me from learning something I will get confused on greatly and give up. Maybe he just wants to make me fight for Him just a little because he NEVER STOPPED FIGHTING FOR ME WHEN I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HIM!!

All I know is that there IS a reason for it, and althougth I may never understand it, it will be ok, God has even this under control...I am going to give it a rest for a few hours then start fresh later....

Impossible!!

Luke 1:37 For nothing is impossible with God.

Matthew 19:26 But Jesus looked at them and said to them, “With men this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.”

now let us look at the word itself.... impossible...lets play with it.....how about putting a space and an apostrophe in it like this... I'm possible.... you see the word itself tells you that it is in fact very possible...it does not say it is easy. it does not say you will not have to fight for what you want....but it is in fact very possible....

remember even with God in your corner you are not guaranteed an easy road in life...you will have to fight and make your way...

Time With God

Most people set aside what they call devotional time with God. I set aside what I call devoted time to God. What is the difference? devotional time is a religious observance or worship time. devotional time is spent in church or reading the bible. My devoted time with God is focused more on our relationship.  On learning what being a christian means...i sometimes read the bible during this time but i have set aside a separate time before bed to read the bible. every night. My devoted time is spent reading books about how to shape my life, my thoughts, my actions. My devoted time is spent making plans to glorify Him. My devoted time is spent meditating. Even sometimes just crying...it is not something to be forced or to feel forced. If I have a day that i just feel i dont want to be doing this now i dont. it is not right to force God on anyone even yourself. but i also know if i dont want to there IS A REASON!! somewhere i am sinning or i feel guilty or something is going on in my life and i am afraid of that one on one time with him. I love sitting at the breakfast table with a cup of coffee, and empty chair beside me and just talking to God like He is sitting right there....and He is...but if someone were to come by at that time they would sware i was insane and needed to be locked up. I tell him of the day before and sometimes i get to laughing and have a great time. Some mornings dont go that well. When i decide to read or meditate I often end in tears simply because i always end my time thanking Jesus for the suffering he did for me so i wouldnt have to. It is so powerful so meaningful so awesome I never tire of thinking of it but i always cry so much.
     With my devotional time, what i see as my bible reading time before bed, if i have to force it i do. it is still special but that time is regardless for His word. For me, that cant change. I know if I take my eyes off the prize...being with him forever...for even a moment i will lose the drive to get there....My devoted time is special and unique to Him and I. My devotional time is shared with millions of people every day...I dont know that there is really a difference between the words, but for me the meanings are very different...

Things That Make God Cry...

Ok this is the blog entry I have been thinking of for a while....it has really been in my heart to do this...
It goes with the previous one, what it means to be Christian. This snuck up on me very stealthily, and I didnt even NOTICE until one day i was on face book and a friend, one of my atheist friends, posted a picture. i looked at it and shook my head and thought how sad. then my eyes popped nearly outta my head. I REALLY looked at it. even a week ago i would have been laughing and though it was great. it wasnt BAD, just in bad taste.....so i looked at my life and realized something very SHOCKING!!
 EVERYTHING in my life was changing and i wasnt doing a thing to make it happen, i had already done it and i wasnt going to change that. the things i read are changing the stuff i watch on tv are changing. the things i laugh at are changing....the way i do things are changing. the clothes i think are cute are changing. the very thoughts in my head are changing and most amazingly my feelings are changing.....

I realized something. How can you ask God and Jesus in your life, ask them to work in your life, and do things that make them cry?? everyone sins. its a fact. if a whole day goes by and one person (out of all the billions of ppl here) on earth does not sin i believe that would end the world. it will not happen. but I asked God to come in my life and show me how to live to please him. i told him i wanted to present Him with a person he could be proud of when the time comes...and he is, without my knowledge, he is changing me...he knows that woman falling in the lake is funny to us, but what is she thinking? does God cry for her humiliation? im sure he does, so how can i laugh at it? im not saying its wrong to laugh, you dont loose your sense of humor when you become a christian, but it may change, evolve. for me, I think more of God and what would he think of my reaction to any situation. remember God forgives, he does not expect perfection. what works in my life may not in yours and vice versa...

I told God that i wanted to present a person he would be proud of, and he answered me. not verbally this time, he shows me that he is proud of me. he thinks this in my life may need some tweaking but he is showing me that i only need to be the best me i can be to please him. he even loves my imperfections! he really loves those!! when God works in secrete in my life like that, i know its not that i am doing something wrong, its that there is more i should consider.....im not wrong to laugh at that poor woman, but i should consider her feelings and instead of laughing i should help her...maybe while i am laughing i should help but that is kinda rude i think lol...

i dont know. i know i am looking more at my life and seeing things in my life that has to make God cry. those are things i dont need in my life. even feelings. i have a past. who does not?? i have a seedy past. most people do...i feel bad about my past. God knows that. and it makes him cry because he forgave me. if he can forgive me how can i not forgive myself? right now i am showing God that my past means more to me that his forgiveness. thats not true, but it is what my lack of action shows him. so i am working on forgiving my self for many many many wrongs i have done and that were done to me. i want to show God his forgiveness means more to me than anything, even my own feelings....at least in this one area i want to stop making God cry.

What Does Being A Christian Mean??

     Well, that is a loaded question. isn't it?? It means so much!! I could write this blog for twenty years and not hit it all....

     But lets start with what it does not mean....it does not mean you will never be hurt again. It dont mean your already strugling relationship will fix itself. It dont mean you will have a surplus of money or food. It does not mean you will not struggle. Being a christian DOES NOT MAKE YOUR LIFE PERFECT!!

     It DOES mean you dont have to go through it alone....God is there. Jesus holds your hand....and when you need to talk he is there....he even answers, and its not audible...(well not always,  like in the church on Sunday I very literally heard a voice. but im not crazy. not like that anyway lol.... but i think that is a very rare thing, but i think everyone has the potential to have that experience...) He will send a sign but you must be watching for it or you will miss it!! Sometimes he bombards you and hits you over the head with the answer....especially if you fight it which i am notorious for!! It means you feel comforted by the feeling of the presence of God and Jesus...

     I keep doing that...God and Jesus...i look at God as a family name, like Smith, God is dad, then there is The Holy Spirit who is kinda like mom then the son, Jesus. They are all God, but they are all different too. I dont know if this is the right way to think of it....i have a hard time with them being one and done, they are clearly separate individuals but the bible also clearly says they are the same also....I think I really need to research this and figure it out. I do not want to get too set in something that is wrong. Ok. give me some time to study it and dont forget i have a life too....so a week maybe and i will post about this topic and what i learn about it.....

   ok see my mind wanders so bad....I get sidetracked so easily. I hope i can hold someones attention....So back to where we were....

  And you do FEEL the presence of God. well. I do. I feel it in my sole! Being a Christian means the way you look at things changes. like, your car wont start and you are LATE to work and you have a meeting with the boss....and you are going to be fired if you cant start your car.....Well of course even Christians are going to get mad and frustrated, hit the steering wheel and probably utter some unchristian like words very loudly....but you take a deep breath and clam down. and you say " thank you god for teaching me patience and for knowing that i shouldnt leave right now. I dont know what you are protecting me from but thank you for not letting me get in that wreck or for protecting me from a mean coworker or for making me available help someone you are going to put in my path because of this, thank you for using me so wonderfully in your great plan!" Ok so that takes practice for most people. I took to it real quick. I was such a "Negative Nancy" and always rushing everywhere...it was very nice to have permission to relax. God has it under control. You wont change anything by being negative and mean and feeling bad...why not TRY to live a more positive life, i gave it a whirl and i love it!! It is wonderful to KNOW that even though my little world feels like its crumbling, everything is fine, it WILL be ok, that is not a free pass either!! nope!! a christian still has to do what he or she has to do. you want to eat. have a place to live? you have to work, your car broke down? you have to call a machanic! your toilet overflowing? you have to clean it up and fix it or call a plumber, its not going to do itself! but if you put in the effort...the HONEST effort, god will see it through....maybe not how you want, in fact i can almost promise it wont be how you want. there will be road blocks you will have to jump through hoops. but God has it under control. dont give up and He wont either!! Its ok to not stress aobut it its ok to not get angry. its ok to get angry also....but you dont have to....i was so angry all the time and i still dont know why...God took that almost imediatly from me...that was HUGE..and its why i KNOW without a doubt that God can fix my angisity...he will make it to where i can be around people....it may be slow going but let me tell you, Sunday, i didnt end up in the hospital or in a dark room in the corner for hours...which would have happended even a week ago....so its going faster that i ever though!!

ok. this is all for now. i am already thinking of another post. i may do it today but it may wait till tomorrow...

if you keep reading this blog you will get more used to my wandering mind....i would apoligize but im not sorry, its me and i thikn i like the me i am becoming....

God Whisperes In My Ear And If It Makes It To My Heart I Know Its Right.....

Ok so as I have said, I have anxiety pretty bad. I literally panic when i get into new situations. but I can sometimes handle going to a grocery store. but let me tell you, there have been days i couldnt eat simply because i couldnt go and buy something....i couldnt handle it....so it is sometimes very interfering with my life...sometimes its controllable. Going to church has not really been an option for me..the people the unknown. i dont even know what happenes in a church. im glad i decided to do this because if not, my first experience would have probably made me quit on the spot. i think thats why i made the decision to do this...Because i cant quit. God has never given up on me how unfair would it be for me to stop because things get a little hard.

So I decided to go to church... I figure i go like two mins late i leave like two mins early. its all good. well it didnt work that way for me this time....i decided to go to Well of Hope. i wonder if i should not be naming names of churches but its not too hard to figure out...and i really need to if this is going to do what i am hoping it will do for me and others....it starts at ten . i get in the parking lot at ten oh two...there are people everywhere...its disapointing...i shall not get around talking to a few people. which is good i suppose, I mean i really want to experience this...i think i would better like to wait a few visits to do so but i want to feel and see and watch God work.

(oh wow, brief brake here...my computer shut down and i thought i lost all this!! but i got something done i truly needed to so now here we go again!! im glad i dont have to start this over again!! ok back to the previous thought...)

For the past few months God has put in my heart that i needed to go to church...not so much for church, but for fellowship, friends who believe...someone to talk to about God and the bible.... but i have been fighting it because of my deep fear of people and new situations. I have prayed and been prayed over. And on the spur of the moment at five in the morning i made the final decision of yes i will go to church today because God kept telling me he will help me through it. And because he has whispered in my ear that its time to get over this once and for all...that has not made it to my heart yet but only because i keep beating it bloody to get it out of the path to my heart...I do know in order to fully experience God and His love in my life i have to give up my fears....

2 Timothy 1:7King James Version (KJV)

⁷ For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.

...so ok maybe it has made it to my heart but i sure was and still am trying to kick it out....and i am also making myself stop and remember that verse....God does not put fear in us. fear is ONLY FROM EVIL!!  So now I have decided I dont want evil in my life i sure dont want it to control me! I will now make much more of an effort to get past this!

    Ok so the past few months I have been thinking of Well of Hope church and so that is where i decide to go. I get there late and people are outside talking and they all stop and look at me like "oh new fish! lets go attack!" they dont reconise me and come talk to me and hug me and touch me. and i am freaking out. they can tell because i LOOK like i am freaking out. my eyes are darting around and i am looking everywhere for someone to save me....they corrall me inside talking the whole way. i never get a word in because there are so many and when one stops the next starts...actually in retrospect its good that they did it like that...i would never have gone in otherwise...there were too many cars and i was contemplating leaving when they pounced like cats on a catnip mouse....but then when we got in the lights went off...i whispered whats going on? she said we pray like this...it wasnt totally dark but you couldnt read thats for sure....so in the dark surrounded by strangers and some scary looking men? i jet outta there like an F-15 on take off....they got a bum rap. i think my fear ran that show. i need to give them another chance. So anyway she sees me leave cause i open the door (i cant walk through walls ya know) and she follows me outside and grabs me and starts praying. She prayed for God to lead me in the direction i needed to go.  

ok so that was a scarry experience but its not even ten 15 yet so i still want to hear about God and i decide to go around the corner to another church...First Assembly of God... I thought the name was a good thing. Now let me say something real quickly. I may be wrong here and if so please let me know. I am not sure God cared HOW you worship him, just that you DO worship him. It takes all kinds of people to make this world go around...if everyone was the same it would be so totally boring...I am not passing judgment on anyone or how they choose to worship. some things just are not for me...and thats fine. and if it is for you...hey im ok with that....

Ok so I pull in and there are like ten cars...i think great! I most likely will get noticed but i shouldnt get bombarded!! They assemble for God, this shouldnt be too bad....so i go to the door and try to get in, but its locked. alarm bells are going off in my head gosh they LOCK PEOPLE IN CHURCH!! i wonder if this is normal....these are real thoughts going through my head now....i am already realing from the other church less that three mins ago....my head is still not clear from that so i am just thinking logically for me...the guy that is standing right there hurries to unlock it...hes an older gentelman who looks nice...i ask " do you lock people in?" (i find out later he hears me ask "can i come in?") he says yes sure! so i turn and RUN literaly seriously. he says " you dont want to come in" i say " no thanks i dont want to be locked in" ( he hears "no i dont want to come in") and the woman comes out and says no maam we do not lock people in he was joking...he promised the didnt lock anyone in and is horrified that i thought so...so we explaine what i said what he heard and its not funny but they are laughing and well now i am too but not then...so i ask if i am late for church. they say no sunday school is going on. what is sunday school? really i didnt know...i knew when i went as a kid i played before church service but i didnt know it was called sunday school or that i was susposed to be learning about God and not just having fun....so i am excited i ask how often they have school. is it every day? no just sundays...hence sunday school...duh...i thoght it ment school to teach about god and the bible...but i am told they have those...so they offer me coffee tea coke donuts...no thanks...(im so nervous and scared if i eat its coming right back up and they may forgive me but i would be humiliated ya know....) im thinking who comes to church to eat? but its not my business and i go find a seat and get a pamphlet....there is going to be a diffrent kind of service today. they didnt do it but it was susposed to be about ISIS and end times. Now i thought political stuff was forbiden by god to be preached aobut in churches...but he sprinkled end times in there so its not all political...but still isnt that wrong? im asking because i do not know...it may be perfectly fine....

so anyway during conversation i find out that it was a Pentecostal church, but not what i have always thought of as Pentecostal, the woman cut their hair, wore make up and did not have to ware dresses....which is great cause i do not own a dress. honestly i have never worn one..only on my first wedding day. We talk for a while and i find out they believe in speaking in tounges....that is very scarry to me...terrifying honestly. they explain it is a gift, a prayer language. i still dont get it...that is one of the thing i have decided i dont need to know right now...understanding will come eventualy but not right now....i dont have to understand everything at once....its ok to accept that you dont know. one day someone will say something or i will read something and it will click...man i love those moments!! but i dont want to force it either...anyway..ok...i think its for prayer so i wont here much of it right? WRONG!! when service starts they sing three songs and the toungs start to going all difffrent sound coming at me from every direction. i feel like i am in an audio battle with my sanity!! i want to leave so bad but i really want to hear what he has to say about ISIS and end times so i am on the last row and i stand up and wald to the back to try to distance myself from this grating sound...think fingetnails on chalk board..MISTAKE!! he notices me and pauses and askes for prayer for me says i need help..like just aobut everyone comes (the whole time they start the fourth song and while the band plays and sings it, a few of them keep singing...)they all touch me on the head the hand the arms my back and sholders...and some are praying some are yapping and howling and yodeling....speaking in toungs...all of a sudden it all stops. they all go back to their seats and they re sing the song ( they sing this song a total of five times!)

so the third time they sing it...remember some are still speaking in tongs and i still want to leave so bad its insane but i cant leave...my body wont do it.....i start laughing...quietly, to  myself...i think how totally crazy is this experience?!?! and these people think this is normal! and some of you may too....thats fine! like i said, i dont think he cares how you worship just that you do....i think how many people have gone through this and quit? i dont think i want to do this anymore. "STOP! no, Amanda, you need to write about this online. If you do you will help someone." it was clear as daylight and darkness...i heard it from outside my body and it was not my voice. not i may help someone i WILL help someone. that someone must be important...So now i have to do this blog of my journey...i HAVE to do it...please share it and keep sharing it....someone needs it and the more people that see it the more potintial people i can help...now the really scary stuff starts! the preacher stops the band...says someone just made a decision. It is the right decision...God lead you to that decision....this is what you should be doing....well now...i REALLY cant argue with that can i?? i have to do this...but i also decided this is not the right church for me...not at all...so thats good...confirmation on that too....so i am shaking because i KNOW he said that for me...the band starts again and plays that same song twice,,,,i still remember the main verse....so beautiful...You are amazing, more that amazing, forever our God. you are more that enough. you are amazing...i may be a little off on the wording but i loved it. i explain that now so you know how peaceful and filled with love i felt at that moment. then BAM!! one guy fell on the floor and had seizure like convulsions and i swear he started foaming at the mouth. i am not making this up. my brain may remember more details than were there but this happened i promise!! But that was just one guy and they said it wasnt normal...but wow....several people went to their knees. i was truly fearful....this took a very long time...like i said the song was sung five times......then they did the praying thing again with me...only not near so agressive this time...and they dismissed us. no preaching was done. no bible was read or opened...i was very disapointed i really wanted to hear what he had to say...i really wanted to be preached to yesterday...i wanted to hear gods word coming form someone elses lips...

but all in all i have to be honest...i feel better today. the praying seamed to have helped my pain...and my attitude. because if i cant laugh at all this i will give up. this was a really bad experience for me but gosh looking at it written down it is so very funny...i love it! if i have to go through this to get to God i will gladly do it....

clearing up something from the first post....

My mom is in the hospital and she will be reading this. I want to clear up something about the original post before i continue. My mom had little to do with the church incident. she has always believed and she was misguided. The bible says its the husbands right to direct the familys religious beliefs and that women are to submit to their husbands. My dad supposedly went to a chathlioc school and hated it...thats where he got his aversion to religion...he was trying to protect me from what he called make believe. he said humans were so smart they did this just to keep us in line for always...i believed that too for a long time. Mom was doing what she thought she should. and i lived with dad too...i didnt blame her, I feared my fathers wrath and i am now sure it was worse for her....I want to make sure she knows i understand and that i never blamed her...we have never really discussed it....and i dont want her to get her feathers all ruffled trying to explain what i already know. Forgiveness is a HUGE part of loving God and I hope i have done a good job at forgiving others...especially those that dont deserve it...they need it most and it has the power to make the most difference in their lives when they see how God works to change a person...and my mom is not one of those horrible moms. i love her and she was great...she did the very best she could in the situation she was in. although as children we dont understand, we remember and later we come to conclusions that are right or wrong... I  have now been in a few relationships that resembled my parents....its not fun and i understand why she made some choices that deaply affected me. i still dont like it but i cant blame her for protecting herself and she probably thought she was protecting us as well....you tell yourself so many things to excuse your spouces behavior. we enable and dont even know what that means...if things were diffrent i wouldnt be the person i am now and that would be a shame...

As i talk of the bad things in my past and present life, i want you to understand and know that i blame no one. it is what it is. its the facts and i cant change it. all i can do is react differently and let it affect me less. accept that not everyone is good and that i am where i need to be right this second. doing what i need to do. In my life i made choices. lots were bad. some downright horrible...but i made them and i live with them...or i change them...its still my choice. i can wallow in self pity or fight for my happiness...I CHOOSE TO FOLLOW THIS PATH TO GOD AND A LIFE I WANT.  even when it sounds like i am complaining, its for a reason, and maybe complaining is the reason, it will help me process and deal with it...

ok now i am going to get to my church experience yesterday....

My Journey with Jesus to God

Ok. First off, I am not a blogger. I am not a great speller either...if you are a grammar police type person, you maybe should think about not reading this....or just accept my imperfections!! I plan on using spell check but you know what happens when you try to plan your life. God has other ideas. For me this is one of those. I am not entirely comfortable with this. I dont know what I am doing. And I am sharing something so personal and meaningful to me...please respect that. Also, I encourage comments and discussion. Part of why I am doing this is for me to learn. I do not want arguing or negativity...even from me you will find i lace all negativity with humor or at least if i say something bad i say something good right behind it!! I do try anyway... If I post something you know to be untrue, please inform me!

     I was sitting in church today and the pastor said someone just made a decision, God is telling me that its the right decision. well let me tell you just that second i made the decision to share this Journey with anyone who wanted to read about it. I thought this is the first time in decades i have been in a church. I know this is not the right one for me. I know other people are going through this as well...i have very little to no religious experiences.  I am 36 years old. The last time i was in a church i was ten. Dont get me wrong. there were weddings and funerals. things i couldnt get out of. but i can probably count on one hand the number of times....during that time i had just as much to do with God. It is only recently I even began questioning and searching. And let me tell you it has been one wild ride!! I have to share this. God put this in my heart and I know its right.


     I wanted to do this in a different format. But this is what i have. i cant bore you now...that would be bad. So i wont do my entire life story yet...it will come in peices i suppose...i do have to give a little.

I was ten when i decided i wanted to be baptized much to my mom and dads dismay! i knew little to nothing then. i just knew i felt good in church. and when i thought about it. i didnt know the bible or read it...i had not been going long....and i was ten....i dont remember a lot of it. they said no. I was brought back to that church and beat in the parking lot. I was not going to be baptized. So. a ten year old thinks God let this happen so He dont care if i believe or not. so why should i? I still strugle with that thought. but i know now God didnt do it. There were lots of other bad things that happened to me but like i said i am not going to bore you yet...that is when i decided God was not real. and i acted accordingly. So my life as an atheist began. and oh i was good at it. i learned so much. it was all wrong. Almost two years ago i picked up a book. i still remember it. Just to See you Smile by Sally John. hmm i hooe she does not sue me for using her name like that. but thats interesting...i have to tell the story of her....I was not looking for God or anything. I was really quite happy in my little sin nest i had going on in my life. but i love to read. i mean i LOVE to read. i read every day. sometimes i can finish a book in three days....sometimes it takes significantly longer. anyway someone was going through a hard time and i was at the library and saw the title {it was misplaced in the self help section} and grabed it to try to help my friend...I brought it home and wow. i read and cryed and cried and ccried. so what do i do? i go back and get every book they had by her. but sally writes in series....so they didnt have all of them. so i sent her an email. i asked about the ones we didnt have. i figured someone from the publishing company could answer my questions..no big deal! ha! SHE WROTE ME BACK HERSELF!! we talked for several months...but she started a book and we just lost touch. im sure shes very busy and dont have the time for me but i plan on sending her a link to this now that i am thinking of her. and edit her out of here if she wants me too....but the early readers will know....she is really a wonderful person! she was so helpful to me...and it started me reading a TON of religious books. i have never been one to like romance novels but i love some Amish romance novels!! i love falling in love with God over and over in the pages of books...so i decided to read the bible. but it is so hard.  i will tell about my wonderful bible study group later. i promise! i will even post a link to it if anyone is interested...it is a face book group....also, close to when i picked up that book, something happened in a hospital that is important and i will share it at a later time...the bible study group has already had the privilege but i will share here in a few days or a week...i will get to it..i promise!!

    So for over a year i read about God and one day i woke up and the first thought in my head was thank you God for sitting with me throughout the night and making sure i took each breath and that my heart beat each beat....thank you for holding my hand during my nightmares and lulling me back asleep so quickly....that was the day my Christian life began....not that long ago. THAT is when i decided to find a bible study. and let me tell you the one i found is great. i love it and i am so thankful i found them...God sent them to me i know for a fact...so many times i come close to quitting...but God knows what i need. As wonderful as they are and trust me i cannot toot their horns enough! i was still lacking something. but man i have angisitey bad. i have panic attacks expecally around people i do not know. new places new people not my thing. surely not alone. and i have no one to go with me...I was lacking something. not for their lack of trying. I have come to the unfortunate conclusion that something is a church... a place to go worship with others....

ok. thats the back story. now i will get to the first church service...next. now it is rest time!!